I lost my parents when I was pretty young, and although it was years ago, I still sometimes feel like an orphan. No matter the age when you lose them, it's a very painful process, but if you lose them when you are young, you not only feel that intense pain; you feel abandoned. Not to mention the guilt, because you are supposed to be sad for them. Fear kind of takes the place of sadness and it makes it really hard to grieve properly.Especially if you lose them so close together. It changed me. From that point, I fear losing everyone. I either purposely avoid people, push them away when they get too close or smother them to the point they feel suffocated. It's a lifelong work in progress. I luckily and finally wrapped my head around this huge obstacle in my life; first step, I'm not in denial anymore.
People say going through a divorce is similar to a death of a loved one. That's very true. Divorce can sometimes best be described as a "near death experience" where you don't actually die, you just feel like you're going to. At least that's how I felt when I went through my divorce. Again, I felt like I was being abandoned. Even the crappiest of relationships, a divorce can make a person fear being alone. That fear is what keeps people in those crappy marriages and more importantly, gets them in those crappy marriages in the first place. It might take me a little while, but I am thankful that I am an honest person, especially to myself. I can't live a fictional lifestyle, it's just not who I am or who I want to be.
I catch myself having an overwhelming level of fear that I am going to lose my children or vice verse. Currently, this is my biggest obstacle. I am working really hard at having a healthy balance with raising my kids. I think the most important thing I can do is have my own life outside of them so they can have their own life outside of me. Family is a very strong component, but it should be only one component. I didn't really have many resources outside of family growing up and I suffered tremendously because of it. I want more for them because they deserve it. I don't ever want them to look back and think it's their fault that I didn't accomplish great things in my own life. I want the three of us to divide and conquer our dreams.
Independence
I want them happy; to succeed and to thrive
But I fear without me, they might not survive
I’m doing the very best that I can
But I keep going back to this wasn’t my plan
It’s not black and white, I’m living in grey
I just hope they don’t feel my struggle each day
How can they learn to love ones’ own self
When I keep putting my life high up on that shelf
They need to move forward without any guilt
I want to be proud of the lives that they built
These kids are so smothered; there gonna run free
I should step back and let them just be
The past or the future but hardly the present
Eventually, I will be the one they resent
Or even themselves if they don’t live their own dream
Like I’m doing now, I just want to scream
